No One Said Being The Almighty Father Was Easy
Peace, My people. Let there be peace.
I had an argument with Jesus (My son) the other day. I'm sure that he wouldn't want me to talk about this in such an open forum, but thy will be done.
As many of thine readers know, Jesus Christ has said time and again that he had no plans to come back to earth. I know that the bible (that crock) and many, many self-important spiritual leaders deem it so, but after his run in with Pontius Pilate, Jesus said:
"I ain't doin' that @#%! again."
Well, he almost changed his mind the other day.
You see, he's been keeping tabs on those who have been speaking on his behalf: healers, preachers, televangelists, the works. Jesus has been watching these programs non-stop (and smoking non-stop, I should add) and getting angrier and angrier.
"How DARE they?" I could hear him bellow while the fellows and I watched 'Jailbreak' on Fox in the other room. Shortly afterwards, I could hear him pound his fist down on the end table.
"Here we go," said St. Mark, who pretended he was drinking from a bottle of booze. While he loves Christ Jesus with all of his heart, he knows that My son enjoys the occasional drink. This isn't to say he imbibes in the spirits in excess, but sometimes he tends to go off the deep end.
Since I am his Father, I went to him.
"What troubles you, Son," asked I.
"Who do they think they are? Invoking false powers upon our people?" His eyes narrowed and his beard twitched in agitation. I could see that there was foam from a Fosters near his angry lips.
"Peace, My son. Let them be. You know how we deal with false prophets," I tried to soothe his anger, but it appeared unto Me that he wasn't listening.
"I've got half a mind to come down there and invoke my holy retribution! I think it's time for me to get my bearded !@# down there and kick the ever-loving @!%^ out of those liars!!!"
Jesus (My son) stood up, fired a sandalled foot into the TV, silencing it for all time. He grabbed a ruck-sack and began to pack robes, rope (he uses one for a belt), and extra sandals. I think he also put his MP3 player in there, too.
"Do not do this, My son," I warned. "You have let your anger get the best of you. Calm thyself. Do not leave this place in anger. Thy false one shalt be judged like any other and will truly know the hurt they hath caused upon My people."
"Fine," Jesus said. He threw his sack down onto the floor and reached for his pack of smokes. "You never let me do anything, anyway."
I left him to sulk and smoke.
Kids!
So, it was a close call. While I know many of you would like to see Jesus again, I can assure you: you don't want to see him when he's angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
May three doves of harmony come to nest in the brambles of your heart.
Or something like that.
God out.
I had an argument with Jesus (My son) the other day. I'm sure that he wouldn't want me to talk about this in such an open forum, but thy will be done.
As many of thine readers know, Jesus Christ has said time and again that he had no plans to come back to earth. I know that the bible (that crock) and many, many self-important spiritual leaders deem it so, but after his run in with Pontius Pilate, Jesus said:
"I ain't doin' that @#%! again."
Well, he almost changed his mind the other day.
You see, he's been keeping tabs on those who have been speaking on his behalf: healers, preachers, televangelists, the works. Jesus has been watching these programs non-stop (and smoking non-stop, I should add) and getting angrier and angrier.
"How DARE they?" I could hear him bellow while the fellows and I watched 'Jailbreak' on Fox in the other room. Shortly afterwards, I could hear him pound his fist down on the end table.
"Here we go," said St. Mark, who pretended he was drinking from a bottle of booze. While he loves Christ Jesus with all of his heart, he knows that My son enjoys the occasional drink. This isn't to say he imbibes in the spirits in excess, but sometimes he tends to go off the deep end.
Since I am his Father, I went to him.
"What troubles you, Son," asked I.
"Who do they think they are? Invoking false powers upon our people?" His eyes narrowed and his beard twitched in agitation. I could see that there was foam from a Fosters near his angry lips.
"Peace, My son. Let them be. You know how we deal with false prophets," I tried to soothe his anger, but it appeared unto Me that he wasn't listening.
"I've got half a mind to come down there and invoke my holy retribution! I think it's time for me to get my bearded !@# down there and kick the ever-loving @!%^ out of those liars!!!"
Jesus (My son) stood up, fired a sandalled foot into the TV, silencing it for all time. He grabbed a ruck-sack and began to pack robes, rope (he uses one for a belt), and extra sandals. I think he also put his MP3 player in there, too.
"Do not do this, My son," I warned. "You have let your anger get the best of you. Calm thyself. Do not leave this place in anger. Thy false one shalt be judged like any other and will truly know the hurt they hath caused upon My people."
"Fine," Jesus said. He threw his sack down onto the floor and reached for his pack of smokes. "You never let me do anything, anyway."
I left him to sulk and smoke.
Kids!
So, it was a close call. While I know many of you would like to see Jesus again, I can assure you: you don't want to see him when he's angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
May three doves of harmony come to nest in the brambles of your heart.
Or something like that.
God out.
posted by God at 6:32 AM
7 Comments:
Oh, that son of yours.
What does Jesus like to listen to on his mp3 player anyway? Inquiring minds want to know.
Dear Holy Father, I have made a request of thee on my weblog. Please take a look and respond, if you are not too busy keeping your Son in line.
Speaking of your Son, I, like Mary, am curious about Jesus. What brand of cigarettes does he smoke? Just curious. :^)
the nocorette is on the way, plus a new 72 inch flat screen, see what that kid of yours does with plasma.
Oh, Dr. Convolution. Your words, while foul and in poor taste, bring much laughter through my beard. Well done, My son.
Mary - I believe Jesus is partial to loud, rollicking music. I believe he likes Nine Inch Nails (fitting!) and groups like that. He doesn't listen to anything I would particularly enjoy. Like John Tesh.
Jennifer - I have heard thy prayers.
Petrow - I've already told him, that his temper will bring nothing but scorn upon our place of holiness. Don't reward his anger with gifts such as these. Right now he's using an old black and white Zenith St. Paul had lying around. He doesn't like it much.
Dear God
I've been praying every night for a pair of Marc Jacobs boots, you know, the new season knee-high ones, any colour, in size five. But still, no boots...! What's going on?
Tell me, is there a postal strike going on up there or is it that you're refusing my request? If so, I really don't appreciate the lack of feedback.
To be honest, God, if I don't get an answer from you soon I'm considering going over to the other side. I hear the customer service there is much better.
What brand does Jesus smoke? maybe you should sprinkle a bit of that mari jo stuff in them and see if he chills out a bit.
dear holy father,
how do you feel about early learning?
like say, instead of waiting until they can read we , read it to them ,as infants.
you child,
cydnee
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