Some Tough Questions
My children,
I apologize for My absence. It's been difficult to tear away from My holy work to update thy blog. I'm surprised at the number of 'bloggers' who have unearthed My computer-aided scripture and have left Me comments.
So, since I've neglected God's Blog for so long, I'll try and answer some of the questions I've gotten in both the comments and in various e-mails sent to bigoldgod@yahoo.com.
Query: Eric asks in so many words if I am a fan of 'The Daily Show', a mock-news show featuring comedian and resident smart-guy Jon Stewart.
Answer: Indeed I am, Eric. I find their brand of humor intoxicating. Some of the apostles don't see the humor, but I find Myself wiping the tears of laughter from my all-seeing eyes using my lengthy and all-powerful beard.
Query: Are you a Democrat or a Republican? (this has been asked countless times)
Answer: I am neither. While I believe in some sort of order and treating your fellow man right, I've found that it's nearly impossible to hold one mere mortal man (the President) in such a light that his actions can unite or tear a nation apart. While I'm in no position to illuminate you in how a government should be handled (you're on your own, My children) I don't think the Democrats, Republicans or any party have it figured out. Give it about 52 years. A lot will change in that time.
Query: Seda jokingly made a reference to seeing Jesus walking amongst his followers at a grocery store, where he was in the market for some coffee. There he indulged in many samples that were put out by the sample ladies. Seda wondered if the freshly shaved gent was truly my son, Christ Jesus.
Answer: If you've followed God's Blog for any length of time, you would know that Jesus Does Not Intend To Return Any Time Soon. The fellow you saw was truly a glutton and not actually My son.
Query: A woman who shalt remain anonymous asked (because no one else was around) if the pair of jeans she just bought made her 'butt look fat.'
Answer: No. In relation to the rest of your body, your posterior region is symmetrical to your torso and head.
Query: Toad734 wondered what made My favorite snack Flamin' Hot Cheetos so hot, since there doesn't appear to be any pepper-like ingredients contained therein.
Answer: Not to seem like a cop-out, John, but that is the magic of Cheetos. I've tried on My own to recreate the deliciousness of the FHCs, but I've failed. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough and just use it as an excuse to come down and visit you, my beloved people.
In other news, I don't understand the appeal of Diet Vanilla Cherry Dr. Pepper. Sometimes, I truly don't 'get' you, My children.
Query: Another cluster of e-mails came in asking if I was going to see the new Star Wars Movie.
Answer: Seen it. I already knew how it would end.
Query: Slimey asks the question that's on everyone's mind. What's the deal with Darwin? Was he right about evolution? Is he burning in hell for his heresy?
Answer: The straight answer is thus: Darwin was quite a scholar for his time (and no, he didn't end up sizzling in Hell). His theories on evolution divided quite a few people who believed in Creationism (the idea that I waved my hand and all things came to be) and Evolution (which dictates that the species that inhabit the Earth today started as something else entirely).
Darwin was correct about evolution. The species did evolve from many different creatures, mammals and the like. That isn't to say the Creationists are completely off, however. They would like to think I waved my magic hand and the events written in the bible came to pass. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Too much stock has been put in that ever-changing book.
But let's really think both sides through, My children. The creatures (dinosaurs, pterodactyls, cavemen) came from someplace. That someplace, was from Me. Yes, the early versions of man were rough and the dinosaurs were an experiment gone awry...think of My creations as a work in progress. While the state humans have evolved to has changed significantly, I believe you, your fellow man/woman and everything else in the world is still a work in progress.
I apologize if I came off a bit 'preachy' there. That wasn't My immaculate intent.
My the power of my glorious breath touch thee and encourage you to do good upon the world...
...or something like that.
I apologize for My absence. It's been difficult to tear away from My holy work to update thy blog. I'm surprised at the number of 'bloggers' who have unearthed My computer-aided scripture and have left Me comments.
So, since I've neglected God's Blog for so long, I'll try and answer some of the questions I've gotten in both the comments and in various e-mails sent to bigoldgod@yahoo.com.
Query: Eric asks in so many words if I am a fan of 'The Daily Show', a mock-news show featuring comedian and resident smart-guy Jon Stewart.
Answer: Indeed I am, Eric. I find their brand of humor intoxicating. Some of the apostles don't see the humor, but I find Myself wiping the tears of laughter from my all-seeing eyes using my lengthy and all-powerful beard.
Query: Are you a Democrat or a Republican? (this has been asked countless times)
Answer: I am neither. While I believe in some sort of order and treating your fellow man right, I've found that it's nearly impossible to hold one mere mortal man (the President) in such a light that his actions can unite or tear a nation apart. While I'm in no position to illuminate you in how a government should be handled (you're on your own, My children) I don't think the Democrats, Republicans or any party have it figured out. Give it about 52 years. A lot will change in that time.
Query: Seda jokingly made a reference to seeing Jesus walking amongst his followers at a grocery store, where he was in the market for some coffee. There he indulged in many samples that were put out by the sample ladies. Seda wondered if the freshly shaved gent was truly my son, Christ Jesus.
Answer: If you've followed God's Blog for any length of time, you would know that Jesus Does Not Intend To Return Any Time Soon. The fellow you saw was truly a glutton and not actually My son.
Query: A woman who shalt remain anonymous asked (because no one else was around) if the pair of jeans she just bought made her 'butt look fat.'
Answer: No. In relation to the rest of your body, your posterior region is symmetrical to your torso and head.
Query: Toad734 wondered what made My favorite snack Flamin' Hot Cheetos so hot, since there doesn't appear to be any pepper-like ingredients contained therein.
Answer: Not to seem like a cop-out, John, but that is the magic of Cheetos. I've tried on My own to recreate the deliciousness of the FHCs, but I've failed. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough and just use it as an excuse to come down and visit you, my beloved people.
In other news, I don't understand the appeal of Diet Vanilla Cherry Dr. Pepper. Sometimes, I truly don't 'get' you, My children.
Query: Another cluster of e-mails came in asking if I was going to see the new Star Wars Movie.
Answer: Seen it. I already knew how it would end.
Query: Slimey asks the question that's on everyone's mind. What's the deal with Darwin? Was he right about evolution? Is he burning in hell for his heresy?
Answer: The straight answer is thus: Darwin was quite a scholar for his time (and no, he didn't end up sizzling in Hell). His theories on evolution divided quite a few people who believed in Creationism (the idea that I waved my hand and all things came to be) and Evolution (which dictates that the species that inhabit the Earth today started as something else entirely).
Darwin was correct about evolution. The species did evolve from many different creatures, mammals and the like. That isn't to say the Creationists are completely off, however. They would like to think I waved my magic hand and the events written in the bible came to pass. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Too much stock has been put in that ever-changing book.
But let's really think both sides through, My children. The creatures (dinosaurs, pterodactyls, cavemen) came from someplace. That someplace, was from Me. Yes, the early versions of man were rough and the dinosaurs were an experiment gone awry...think of My creations as a work in progress. While the state humans have evolved to has changed significantly, I believe you, your fellow man/woman and everything else in the world is still a work in progress.
I apologize if I came off a bit 'preachy' there. That wasn't My immaculate intent.
My the power of my glorious breath touch thee and encourage you to do good upon the world...
...or something like that.
posted by God at 7:59 PM
3 Comments:
i'm glad that you say that about democrat/republican, almight one. i seem to remember your boy talking about "render unto caesar."
i was always hoping i translated that one right.
oh, and beloved one, i'm far more interested in how those orange cheetos turn your tongue "darth vader dark" and "yoda green."
and thank you for cool "star wars" tie-ins.
and may the force be with you (i guess that's redundant).
e+
Oh, God. I knew you had to have a blog somewhere, I finally find it, and your picture confirms it - you are a man! I was hoping you'd at least be asexual, but the beard? *Sigh*
Oh, Sojourness.
I'm sorry to disappoint thee with the picture I've used for My avatar. Since no mortal hath seen me and none know what I resemble, I chose a picture most would be able to relate to.
Plus, I look pretty awesome with that beard, don't I?
Know this: the mortal mind (a work in progress) cannot comprehend what I truly am. Man? Woman? Super Deity? My existence is beyond description.
The contributors to the bible seem to think they've got it figured out, but alas, they know even less than thee.
So, is God a man? Woman? All I can say is: I Am.
That should be sufficient.
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