We Just Don't Get It
Are you there, followers? It's me, God.
Some of the fellows and I were sitting around the other day talking about all of you. To be more specific, we were talking about some of the things that you like and enjoy. I understand that thy tastes vary, but we came up with a couple of beard-scratchers and wondered if you could shed some light (for a change!) upon us.
Coffee - The majority of adults upon the earth I've created can't seem to get enough of this. When the coffee bean was created I hadn't meant for it to be ground into dirt, wherein hot water would be poured through it and consumed. St. Joseph said it best: "I'd rather drink water that's run through Moses's beard."
For the uninformed, Moses doesn't keep a very clean beard.
The smell is bad enough and makes Me want to invoke My unholy wrath. Also, the varieties of coffee (half mocha, double de-caff, triple espresso) nonsense is pathetic in My eyes. Whatever happened to a delicious glass of water? I guess those coffee drinkers with the stained teeth, diarrhea, and rotten breath know something that mayhap I do not.
Everybody Loves Raymond - Believe it or not, we watch some of the same programs up here as you enjoy down in thy cozy living rooms. The results from Heaven are in: Not everybody loves Raymond. In fact, the only person we know of that watches the program is St. John and let Me tell you something: St. John also liked it when Chevy Chase had his own late night talk show.
I feel as though I'm a fun-loving and jovial God, but something about this show rubs Me wrong. I've often thought of letting loose some sort of show cancelling tragedy upon the set. Imagine My delight when I learned that the show is about to reach it's end.
Poor St. John. He'll be heartbroken.
The Overly Religious - Now, I don't want to sound too preachy here, but I am really disappointed in My followers who are too relgious. Maybe you've seen these poor souls. They're the ones who only read religious or spiritual books. They spend all of their free time pouring over the over-rated bible, hoping to unearth some hidden meaning in the tedious passages, and generally have given everything unto Me.
I never asked for that. What sort of God would I be if I insisted that you drop everything you like as a free being and instead turn your attention toward me in EVERYTHING you do? It makes me sad. I've created life, friends, delicious foods like Flamin' Hot Cheetos, and great places to see and enjoy.
But no. In their selfish pursuit to doing what they think I want of My people, they've squandered their lives into religious servitude. Here's a wake-up call, folks. I didn't create you just to have you dote on me constantly. For crying out loud, I'm God. Do you really think I'm that attention starved.
I'm not. You can even ask John the Baptist. I'm pretty laid back. As I've said in previous bloggings: come to church, don't. It matters not to Me. Just know this: the people that over-do the religious stuff are in no better position when it comes to sorting folks out for Heaven and Hell.
In fact, sometimes I deduct points for what I consider a 'wasted life.' Seriously. It's your life, my people. Do with it what you will. You'll have time enough to enjoy the riches and happiness of Heaven when you're dead.
Sorry for the sermon.
May the light of My happiness coat you in some sort of heat that makes you feel good, but not too hot.
- Big G
Some of the fellows and I were sitting around the other day talking about all of you. To be more specific, we were talking about some of the things that you like and enjoy. I understand that thy tastes vary, but we came up with a couple of beard-scratchers and wondered if you could shed some light (for a change!) upon us.
Coffee - The majority of adults upon the earth I've created can't seem to get enough of this. When the coffee bean was created I hadn't meant for it to be ground into dirt, wherein hot water would be poured through it and consumed. St. Joseph said it best: "I'd rather drink water that's run through Moses's beard."
For the uninformed, Moses doesn't keep a very clean beard.
The smell is bad enough and makes Me want to invoke My unholy wrath. Also, the varieties of coffee (half mocha, double de-caff, triple espresso) nonsense is pathetic in My eyes. Whatever happened to a delicious glass of water? I guess those coffee drinkers with the stained teeth, diarrhea, and rotten breath know something that mayhap I do not.
Everybody Loves Raymond - Believe it or not, we watch some of the same programs up here as you enjoy down in thy cozy living rooms. The results from Heaven are in: Not everybody loves Raymond. In fact, the only person we know of that watches the program is St. John and let Me tell you something: St. John also liked it when Chevy Chase had his own late night talk show.
I feel as though I'm a fun-loving and jovial God, but something about this show rubs Me wrong. I've often thought of letting loose some sort of show cancelling tragedy upon the set. Imagine My delight when I learned that the show is about to reach it's end.
Poor St. John. He'll be heartbroken.
The Overly Religious - Now, I don't want to sound too preachy here, but I am really disappointed in My followers who are too relgious. Maybe you've seen these poor souls. They're the ones who only read religious or spiritual books. They spend all of their free time pouring over the over-rated bible, hoping to unearth some hidden meaning in the tedious passages, and generally have given everything unto Me.
I never asked for that. What sort of God would I be if I insisted that you drop everything you like as a free being and instead turn your attention toward me in EVERYTHING you do? It makes me sad. I've created life, friends, delicious foods like Flamin' Hot Cheetos, and great places to see and enjoy.
But no. In their selfish pursuit to doing what they think I want of My people, they've squandered their lives into religious servitude. Here's a wake-up call, folks. I didn't create you just to have you dote on me constantly. For crying out loud, I'm God. Do you really think I'm that attention starved.
I'm not. You can even ask John the Baptist. I'm pretty laid back. As I've said in previous bloggings: come to church, don't. It matters not to Me. Just know this: the people that over-do the religious stuff are in no better position when it comes to sorting folks out for Heaven and Hell.
In fact, sometimes I deduct points for what I consider a 'wasted life.' Seriously. It's your life, my people. Do with it what you will. You'll have time enough to enjoy the riches and happiness of Heaven when you're dead.
Sorry for the sermon.
May the light of My happiness coat you in some sort of heat that makes you feel good, but not too hot.
- Big G
posted by God at 11:41 AM
4 Comments:
Coffee is just a preferred flavor of our now mostly polluted waters. I know, it is all our fault - it was clean when You created it....
We're not that fond of Raymond, in this house we love Frank! Holy Crap!(I mostly identify with Robert)
So what are the favorite TV shows to watch in Heaven?
(we also believe that "couch potato" should be an Olympic sport)
please tell me you're a fan of "the daily show." if there isn't a place for those guys in heaven, i'm not sure i want to go.
e+
Yo God, it's me.
I was wondering how you make those flaming cheetos so hot, without the use of any peppers? If you read the ingredients there isn't one thing in there that should make those things hot.
I guess that's why you are the "all mighty".
Oh, and the Pacers could sure use a hand back in Indianapolis for game 6.
PS
God save me from your followers!
There better be tea in Heaven or I want to be reincarnated! The caffinated kind, of course. Otherwise, what's the point?
Never be sorry for updating the Blog of Blogs!
Blessed be the Holy Mousepad of the Sky
Post a Comment
<< Home