Heaven FAQ
Mortal friends,
I've gotten a ton of e-mails at bigoldgod@yahoo.com asking me various things:
How long until I die, God?
Is grandma up there with you?
Can you show me a sign?
Is there any way you can have George W. Bush killed?
But the question that seems to reside most in thine mind is about Heaven. Seems everyone wants to know about what's going to happen to them after they've left the mortal coil to spend time either with me, with Lucifer or in the waiting room betwixt the two: purgatory.
Thy questions will be answered in this FAQ:
What's it like in heaven?
It's not bad. We have a lot of interesting activities going on up here, including (but not limited to) shuffleboard, Yahtzee tournaments and St. Andrew brought in a bubble hockey game last week.
Are my loved ones there in heaven?
Sure. Well, actually...this is too broad a topic to cover. Let me put in this way: Yes. If they were decent enough people, they ended up here. If they were real, uh...unsavory, they ended up in the hot place. Sorry.
Are there really Pearly Gates?
Funny story. There used to be a nice set of gates up front, but St. Francis of Asissi backed into them with a truck a thousand years or so ago. They never sat right again, so we tore them down and just put up a nice chain link fence. There is a little gate to get in, but it's not pearly at all. More like all-weather steel.
Can you give a message to my Aunt Ruth? Probably not. I mean, with all the prayers I listen to on a daily basis and, you know...creating EVERYTHING, I don't really have much time to deliver a message to Aunt Ruth, let alone Brother Charlie, your Buddy Jack or even Princess Di. Sorry. I'm God, not a messenger service.
Are there angels floating around up there? Yes. They're everywhere around here, like bugs. (LOL!) Seriously, there are quite a few of them still mucking about. They're good for a laugh and most of them play a mean harp.
Why can't everyone just go to Heaven? Because there are some really rotten people around. I'd like to make it open membership, but let's face it: some folks are really better off burning.
Very good. That's all the time I've got right now. I've still got some shopping to do for My Son. I can't believe his 2004th birthday is only 5 days away! What do you get for the kid who has everything???
I have spoken.
I've gotten a ton of e-mails at bigoldgod@yahoo.com asking me various things:
How long until I die, God?
Is grandma up there with you?
Can you show me a sign?
Is there any way you can have George W. Bush killed?
But the question that seems to reside most in thine mind is about Heaven. Seems everyone wants to know about what's going to happen to them after they've left the mortal coil to spend time either with me, with Lucifer or in the waiting room betwixt the two: purgatory.
Thy questions will be answered in this FAQ:
What's it like in heaven?
It's not bad. We have a lot of interesting activities going on up here, including (but not limited to) shuffleboard, Yahtzee tournaments and St. Andrew brought in a bubble hockey game last week.
Are my loved ones there in heaven?
Sure. Well, actually...this is too broad a topic to cover. Let me put in this way: Yes. If they were decent enough people, they ended up here. If they were real, uh...unsavory, they ended up in the hot place. Sorry.
Are there really Pearly Gates?
Funny story. There used to be a nice set of gates up front, but St. Francis of Asissi backed into them with a truck a thousand years or so ago. They never sat right again, so we tore them down and just put up a nice chain link fence. There is a little gate to get in, but it's not pearly at all. More like all-weather steel.
Can you give a message to my Aunt Ruth? Probably not. I mean, with all the prayers I listen to on a daily basis and, you know...creating EVERYTHING, I don't really have much time to deliver a message to Aunt Ruth, let alone Brother Charlie, your Buddy Jack or even Princess Di. Sorry. I'm God, not a messenger service.
Are there angels floating around up there? Yes. They're everywhere around here, like bugs. (LOL!) Seriously, there are quite a few of them still mucking about. They're good for a laugh and most of them play a mean harp.
Why can't everyone just go to Heaven? Because there are some really rotten people around. I'd like to make it open membership, but let's face it: some folks are really better off burning.
Very good. That's all the time I've got right now. I've still got some shopping to do for My Son. I can't believe his 2004th birthday is only 5 days away! What do you get for the kid who has everything???
I have spoken.
posted by God at 6:58 AM
5 Comments:
Sorry, God. I don't buy the "Can't. Busy." argument. I thought you were supposed to be all-knowing and all-powerful???
BTW, what did you think of that Jim Carey movie about you?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sorry God. I thought better of my comment.
Forgive me?
God you shouldn't be so hard on DJ Shovelpants, he means well. By the way what do you prefer, boxers or briefs? Just thought I'd ask...:)
I'm a terrible God. I've been neglecting my people by not responding sooner.
HAL - I truly am busier than you would think. That's why bad things tend to happen: cancer, famine, senseless killings, Alias on DVD. If I could, I'd control it all, but sometimes I do get busy. Sorry.
Oh, and I thought Bruce Almighty stunk. The 10 Commandments that Moses hefted said: Thou shalt not have false gods before me...even if he is portrayed by Jim Carrey.
Mr. H - I wear neither boxer nor brief beneath my glowing robes. I go 'commando' as you mortals say.
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